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What to Do
About Bullying
provided by Katy Gaspar
All children are the victims of occasional teasing and/or aggression, but some children are repeatedly targeted. Bullying is when one person uses power in a willful manner with the sole purpose of hurting another person repeatedly.
Bullies are best identified by personality styles not by common stereotypes. A bully is a child who: values the rewards that aggression can bring, lacks empathy for the victim, feels the victim provoked the attack and deserves the consequences, likes to assert with power, thinks they should always get what they want, and usually has aggression modeled in the home.
There are 4 different tactics that bullies typically use. The first is physical aggression. This can include pushing and shoving to threatening with a weapon. Second is social alienation, which can include gossiping to manipulating social order to achieve rejection. Third is verbal aggression, anything from name calling to verbal threats of bodily harm. Last is intimidation. This can include threatening to reveal personal information to threatening with a weapon.
Bullies tend to seek out 2 types of victims. The first type of victim is identified as a passive victim, or a child who is isolated or alone a lot, is anxious or insecure, who lacks social skills, who is physically weak, who cries easily, or who may have suffered past abuse or trauma. The second type of victim is considered to be a provocative victim. A provocative victim is a child who is impulsive, who is easily emotionally aroused, and who tends to maintain the conflict but ends up losing with frustration and distress. These children may look like bullies at first glance; they are not purposefully malicious or mean and will apologize if they realize they have hurt another child. Many victims suffer in silence.
Victims of bullies tend to not tell and do not expect to receive help. Which is why we need to be very supportive to kids to come to us as adults with bullying problems. The victims of bullies need to be heard and the bullying situations need to be taken seriously and dealt with to prevent other children from being hurt.
Steps to Bully-Proof Your Child
- Let the school know your safety worries immediately
- Keep a record of time, date, names and circumstances to show a pattern of harassment.
- Teach your child self-respect--confident kids are less likely to become a victim.
- Let your child know it's OK to express anger in an appropriate manner.
- Encourage friendships--there is strength in numbers.
- Arrange weekend play dates to promote friendships.
- Build social skills early
- Help shy kids with social skills training--role play together situations that have occurred previously
- Explain the difference between telling and tattling. Tattling is when you report something just to get someone into trouble. Telling is when you report that you or someone else is in danger.
- Stress the importance of body language--a "victim stance" may attract bullies.
- Teach your child effective skills for making friends such as how to share, compromise and apologize
- Don't advise either ignoring or physically attacking the bully.
-Garrity, C., Jens, K., Porter, W., Sager, N., and Short-Camilli, C. (2000). Bully Proofing Your School (2nd ed.). Colorado: Sopris West.